my america

Since couple of my friends asked me about my blog and whether I will  write about my experiences again, I decided to write this. It'll mostly be about my own opinions and about what I learned in America.

Being an au pair is not the easiest thing in life, and it most certainly is not for everyone. If you're wondering about becoming an au pair, I'd first think about your own personality. If you're shy and not necessarily comfortable being around unknown people, I'm not sure it's the best thing. But don't have to be brave! Not even the lack of knowledge in English should prevent you from doing what you want. You will learn. What I learned during my year in Colorado, was that being around other social people, friends, made my year way better. Just being with the family will drive you crazy, or being in the same environment where you work will. Being an au pair is not just about taking care of kids, it's being able to live and love life, explore, and discover new things. Open up. Loosen up. Most of the au pairs in the mountains were just like me, social, willing to do a lot of new things and meet new people. Maybe that's why I was so happy. Being surrounded by same kind of people made me feel more comfortable being just me. No pretending.

I'm not saying I'm pretending back in Finland, but I can feel the difference. I just don't feel the same as I was in America. I've gone back to who I was, or maybe not totally, for sure not totally, but in some level I feel it's hard being the same as I was in America. I think the culture makes everything different. Finnish people are way more shy and they have their own personal space that shouldn't be touched. If you come any closer than the space one feels comfortable at, you feel anxious. I hate that. I opened up so much. I feel like I wanna smile all the time while walking on the streets and give compliments to some random people just like the Americans did to me. But what would that make me here? A freak. That jerk who must be high smiling around. No, to me it just doesn't fit the Finnish nature of being. We're supposedly very serious people.

I miss Colorado and America in many ways. Not only the surroundings where I was blessed to live in, but also the people, culture and lifestyle makes me miss it. Vail was definitely a blessing for me. Not ever did I imagine it to be that awesome when I left. Not even in my wildest dreams. I didn't know anything about the place where I lived in. No one besides the family was there to help me the first weeks, I only had to count on my host kids and the parents when it came to setting up my bank accounts, or where to find a grocery store or how to find to the school etc practical stuff. But I figured it all out  by myself and got credit for that. It made me feel comfortable about myself and gave me more confidence. The boost of confidence that I got from the family made my life easier in every other level. I didn't fear anything. 

Of course, skiing was awesome!!! God I still wish I'd be there with T, go skiing almost every Saturday and Sunday and go out on Friday nights. That was a routine for us. And it was ridiculously amazing! Vail, a small village, was so beautiful in winter, full of active, fun people. Every weekend I met people both in the lifts, or the slopes, or in the bars. I remember those nights with all the afterparties. And it always turned out to be so much fun. Only one time I remember we didn't have a good night because we're expecting someone to show up. We learned that we can't expect anything, besides of course having fun, and then everything always turns out awesome. That's how it was.

The open-minded people I met in America made me happy. I could actually talk to people wherever I went, no matter if I knew anyone or not. Since I left Colorado, I've actually been emailing with the beautiful ladies at my bank, they were awesome. In the summer on my vaca weeks, I actually went to see them and just chat about life. How cool is that! You can't do it in Finland. .... Everyone would think you've gone mad. People would come to you on the streets or say something in the grocery store or wherever you went. After my surgery I got a lot of attention from people I didn't even know, everyone kept asking what happened and if I was okay. That'd never happen here, no way. Everyone would think you're a runaway from a mental institution.

Not only do I miss the bank ladies, I also miss my family. My beloved American family. Memories grow sweeter in time. We had our little misunderstandings and my mistakes but most of the time, it was fun and everything ran smoothly. The kids were behaving and towards the end it actually felt like a real relationship between them. The boys were always more quiet than the girls, but even with a 15-year-old boy I could have fun. Or then it was just pretending. HAHA. At least I had tons of fun with them. I miss the boys as much as the girls. But my littlest girl will stay in my heart forever. She was so sweet. We even had one week just the two of us, everyone else were gone. Then I sent her off to camp, and it felt like she was my own sister. We've still had contact and I'm really eager to see each other again. I miss the great days! I miss even the cat, and their lovely dog. I miss also time by myself. A house of 6 people plus me could be hectic sometimes. Now I can really appreciate it when NO ONE is screaming around for you. At first it felt really strange, actually it still does feel weird. No one running around and screaming. And even the time I was on vacation in the summer, it was strange being alone in the house just by myself. Of course, I had some responsibilities maintaining the house but that was little compared to the freedom otherwise. I could lay by the pool all day without getting any calls or texts. But at that time, I wasn't used to it and I couldn't really decide what to do with all the time I had in my hands.

All the friends I made I can never forget. Both the au pairs and locals/other Americans. The relationships between me and the two groups were a little different. I remember my hangouts on the mountain skiing, being in a hot tub relaxing watching the stars, going for just food and drinks or hanging out in Denver. I admit, most of the other people I met were guys and some of them actually I went out with. Usually being not more than just friends, but some of them had and still have a bigger place in my heart. Not like being exclusive. But still, it was way more fun to be with that kinda of fun people. I've still stayed in contact with the most important ones, which for me is something that I want to hold on to. Sometimes I remember the kids asking if I had a boyfriend, mostly the issue was brought up by my 10-year-old. I remember those funny conversations, where I was mostly saying nothing, just laughing and denying everything they said. Eventually, where did it get me? Well, the conclusion always was that I DO have a boyfriend. Admitting to the family that one has a boy one hangs out with or go on dates with was not the easiest thing because I always thought about what they think of me. And I always wanted to be discreet about my personal life in general. I even remember some jokes about finding me an American guy to get married to.

Rather than being homesick, I enjoyed my time more than I ever expected. Every aspect of my journey made me become the person I am now. I lost a part of the new me after leaving USA, but it's still somewhere to be rediscovered. I also left something of the old me in America. Old me vs new me. It's weird because I can't even describe in which ways I changed. It was just a growing experience in total. I never felt excluded, not with friends or with the family. I never really felt insecure. And I always was appreciated. I give thanks for that, to everyone that was part of my journey. 

As I said, the memories grow sweeter in time and it's easier to look back and see how great everything was. It makes one miss the good times but also remember the not-so-good ones when I had a tough time at the house. Everything just seemed to be falling apart, walls collapsing on me. That was in January, about halfway of my journey. Before that I never really hung out with the girls, maybe couple times a week. After my quite short recovery from the bad times, I realized actually everything isn't as bad as I thought in my mind. Seeing my Finnish family on Christmas was definitely very hard and going back to work from a vaca that long and still having to work for another 7 months just didn't feel right. After I started really going out most of the nights on the week, I loosened up and learned to let go of the day and all the drama. It was way easier to concentrate on the good things; friends. But through relaxing, I could also appreciate the work. It was not only a one-way thing, but both affected each other. Like a circle. I also started working out a lot, the bad times really got to me. Usually I didn't eat with the family but left to the gym and outside hot tub to get everything off my mind. Sometimes it was just dinners with friends or movies. Or even just hanging out at one of theirs house. Whatever it was, it always made me feel good about myself. T, my Dutch friend, was a real boost of confidence for me. 
I could say, it's one of the best chances I ever took in my life, if not the absolute best. In any case, I think everything made it worth at least trying. Language, friends, new surroundings, contacts and just general atmosphere, Colorado. I've had regrets about leaving, specially the last month was hard for me: there was nothing I could do besides just accept my decision and live with it, try to enjoy the life there to the fullest. I now wish I would've stayed. And I was lucky my family even asked me to stay, I had a good feeling about everything I'd done so far. They were also understanding of my decision to finish school. I helped my family with the new au pair for basically two days, showed her around and told about the routines. I wanted to do my part so that it would be as easy as possible for her to fit in and be comfortable in her position. As part of the family as I felt. But when the new au pair came the reality hit me and that was probably the worst feeling, and it meant I only had three days left. What should I say or do? I moved away from my room, so that she could move in. I said goodbye to the girls and most of the other people I met. Hardest goodbyes in my life, hundred per cent. 

In conclusion of all this, I would definitely recommend this from the bottom of my heart. It was something to be experienced to everyone. There are good and bad times, but isn't that like life in general? For me, the journey was a growing experience and I have now so many friends and family there, I can never forget ♥ Colorado in my heart.